Reflections: When Joy Feels Out of Reach

Reflections are part of my journey too. What follows is a glimpse into the in between, the waiting, the questioning, and the raw parts of faith that are not often spoken about but shape me just as much as the joys.

At times I feel like such an afterthought to God. My life is often marked by delays, and it has been long enough for me to notice a pattern. I wish I didn’t see it everywhere. Whenever I have moments of happiness, they are cut short. It feels like God is laughing at me for having the audacity to be happy at all, as if I do not deserve it.

I trust Him to wake me up each morning, to give me breath in my lungs. But I do not trust Him to make the best happen for me. I usually get the next best thing. Joy dangles just out of reach, and whenever I try to grab it, He pulls it back.

The Weight of Delay

So many of my milestones have come this way. My driver’s license, which I started working toward at 15, was dragged out for years. Covid, moving, a discouraging instructor, starting over again, several times, until finally it came.

Now it is the same with grad school. I graduated undergrad despite a tough start, excited, grateful, ready. My new apartment is waiting, furniture already paid for. And yet, my travel documents, the one thing I cannot control, is delayed. Maybe I will only be pushed to January, maybe an entire year.

For other people, things line up. For me, they drag.

Always Second Best

This is not just about paperwork. Since childhood, I have known what it feels like to be overlooked, never really fitting in. Teachers saw me, not peers. Friends were rare, and when I finally made some after so much effort, they slipped away. Early into my final year of undergrad, all of them left. Moved, drifted, or simply stopped speaking, and I was left to manage on my own, as if it was expected that I would move on easily, even though it was hurting me deeply.

Attention, for me, has always been precious. Not because I crave it, but because it is rare. And when I get it, I cling to it. Sometimes I mistake it for being valued, though I know that’s not what it is. I do not know when it will come again.

So when I feel God treat me the same way, like I am an afterthought, it cuts deep.

Where I Am With God

I want to be close to Him. I want to trust Him with more than my breath. But I cannot ignore the pattern, second best, almost there, always delayed.

I do not know what He wants from me. I am trying. I am not perfect, but I am trying. I do not want to cry every time I think about it. But I do.

Right now, this is where I am: tired, questioning, still hoping my tears mean something, even if I do not yet see what.

Love,

Camilla-T 💎